My current philosophical interests are centered around the metaphysics of moral responsibility. This forces me to deal with the assumed underlying epistemic and control conditions. It also forces me to consider blame; when one is worthy of it (blameworthiness), how we normally ascribe it (active blame), and how we move from blame and holding one accountable to forgiveness. The focus of this post will be on forgiveness and some questions that arise when thinking about it.
I’ve been lucky enough to work at a University that allows for and encourages interdisciplinary research. Over the past few months I’ve attended the ‘Social Psychology Research Group’ meetings where I have had the opportunity to engage with fellow grad students and faculty regarding their research. Not surprisingly, the research I’m engaged in is directly related to some of the research being done in the Psychology Department. Specifically, one of the grad students in the Psych dept. is questioning if it’s harder for a 3rd party to forgive someone who has harmed a friend than it is for the person who was harmed directly? Interestingly, she offered two kinds of forgiveness but didn’t talk much about which type is more meaningful or if both types are needed in order for someone to be “truly” or “fully” forgiven. I’ll now consider both and pose a couple of questions. Please feel free to chime in on a different sort of conception that may be missing.
The two types of forgiveness are ‘cognitive forgiveness’ and ’emotional forgiveness’.
Cognitive forgiveness deals with understanding the act that was done to you. So, let’s say your good friend punched you in the face when you walked into his house. After the incident and after talking about it with him you realized that he thought you were the thief that tried to break into his house the week before. You now “understand” why he did what he did and you may forgive him for it after he has apologized and told you why he decided to throw the punch. You may offer some advice for how he should have handled the situation better, but, in the end it seems that you have cognitively forgave him by understanding why he did what he did by rationalizing that it may have been acceptable, or at least, understandable. Failing to realize this rationally just means that you cannot understand why he acted the way that he did and that you haven’t cognitively forgave him.
Emotional forgiveness seems to be a more difficult form of forgiveness that is much less attainable. Let’s take the same case into consideration. Following the punch in the face you get angry. Even after you’ve come to a rational understanding of why he did it you may still carry the anger or disappointment in his inability to see the difference between you and the thief. This may permanently harm your relationship to him, and, if it does it can be said that you have not emotionally forgave him.
To see this a bit more clearly, think about a cheating spouse. Many might be able to cognitively forgive (depending on the circumstances), but you may not be able to emotionally forgive. Some may not be able to do either, and in most instances I can understand why they wouldn’t, however, it does seem possible to rationally forgive but still be emotionally hurt, in turn, not forgiving. So this leads me to a couple of questions.
(1) Can you forgive in one sense and not the other? Or, are these two forms of forgiveness necessarily linked in a way that doesn’t allow us to forgive in one sense but not the other?
(2) Are we in control of forgiving someone?
(3) Is one form of forgiving more important to the other?
(4)Can a relationship between lovers, friends, or colleagues continue in the same way if forgiveness has not been attained?
(5) What does it mean to fully forgive someone? Does it mean that the relationship goes back to the way things were? And, if so, do any of us really forgive anyone?
I won’t attempt to answer these here, but feel free to take a stab at any of them. I’d love to here what you all think.
Thoughts?
A Philosopher's Take 
Said Simon
June 13, 2012
It seems to me that the answers to your questions should be something like the following, in light of the apparent contradiction between the voluntarism (‘free will’) that lies at the heart of how ‘action’ is usually conceptualised and the metaphysics of causality:
1) If forgiveness is defined as a phenomenal state, then I’d say that generally it is ’emotional forgiveness’ that has priority. ‘Cognitive forgiveness’ might establish that good reason exists to forgive, but as Searle has, I think persuasively shown, good reason is not causally sufficient. To ‘choose’ to forgive must involve something that I think is best understood as an emotional experience. But if we define forgiveness as a social practice, then we can definitely differentiate between the two. I can hold no grudge, yet still find reason to condemn a person for their actions. Conversely, I can belief that condemnation is no longer necessary, and still condemn.
2) No more so than we control any of our actions, reasoning, and feelings. Depending on how you’re defining forgiveness.
3) Define ‘important’ in meaningful way
4) If we understand forgiveness as a social practice, then the answer is an empirically demonstrable ‘yes’. If we understand forgiveness as a mental state of some kind, well…I am not convinced that the choice between a definition that allows for it and one that doesn’t is anything but arbitrary.
5)Right, we’re now at the point where questions are unanswerable without first laying out some analytical groundwork. You must provide definitions for terms.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Simon, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I’ve attempted to define my terms below in a more general response to the comments that have been made thus far. BUt, I’ll try and speak to (3) briefly.
‘Important’ in the context mentioned in (3) was meant to get at an understanding of each kind of forgiveness mentioned in the post and if one form of forgiveness is necessary and the other not so much in order for the relationship to continue. Forgiveness being a willingness to engage in the relationship after you’ve been wronged.
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shangreene
June 13, 2012
Justin, I believe that in order to truly forgive you must also forget. You can not carry the memory of a hurtful incident and keep it separate from your emotional response to it. However, remembering an incident like a punch in the face can be a good way to protect yourself from having it happen again – or at least preparing yourself for the eventuality.
So, for me, I forget the harsh words from my wife during an argument, but I keenly remember getting punched in the face by a paranoid buddy and knock on his door loudly before entering. I will also remind him of this deed with numerous references to it that may publicly embarrass him before the subject is dropped and forgiveness is had. So, I guess I’m more into retribution – or, at least, evening of the score – to attain a fair balance from which forgiveness can proceed.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
You forget them (your wife’s harsh words)? But do you…really? You might choose not to focus on them but truly forgetting them? If that is the case then you wouldn’t be able to reference them, right?
This seems like a very narrow take on forgiveness. It almost makes it unattainable. But surely we get past acts in which we felt we’ve been wronged by friends/family, right? Why not call that forgiveness?
As always, thanks for the comment Shan.
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shangreene
June 15, 2012
Yes, you’re right that it is not easy to do, but I find that it is possible to forget certain minor offences. Really, why keep track of such things, it is a waste of memory space. More major offences are something that time will take the sting out of – which leads to forgiveness – but can not be forgotten. These I will incorporate into my “new” relationship with a given individual to help me prevent being hurt a second time.
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timzauto
June 13, 2012
I am so interested in this topic , My opinion is no , forgiveness today is an illusion . Different people have different definitions for everything. Most social situations are acting jobs depending on our needs. Persons in my opinion look out for themselves , even in a marital situation . If their need out weighs divorce , they stay together not loving each other . Forgiveness is a choice of situation , usually changed when the situation changes .
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Me too! Thanks for the reply, Tim.
You say forgiveness is an illusion. Is it always? Have you never truly forgiven someone? I’m sure you have. You said forgiveness TODAY is an illusion. DO you think the concept is different than what it once was? Sorry, so many questions! A very intriguing topic to dig into.
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timzauto
June 14, 2012
Yes I believe it to be an Illusion all the time . Depending on the specific situation , forgiveness could be waived for a certain amount of time only for the situation to resurface to be used at a later time . No , I have said I have forgiven and never really forget the pain . Yes I think at one time forgiveness still not being total , was more widespread than now.
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Anand
June 13, 2012
Here your classification of forgiveness is very simplistic.rational driven or emotion driven. If there is wide gap between ones emotional view and rational view. The person is in trouble. A person should continuously works to make close these two aspects.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Thanks for the reply, Anand.
There sometimes is a disconnect between ones thought and emotions. And, when we are in a position to forgive or not we sometimes find ourselves making the wrong decision because we are turn in the way that you’ve described.
I agree that we “should continuously works to make close these two aspects.” It would make our decisions regarding our relationships that much easier.
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touchemacky
June 14, 2012
While I appreciate the project of this post, to engage questions of what forgiveness is, it feels sort of unmoored because we’re not working with a concrete definition. Etymologically, forgiveness comes from the Latin “perdonare” which then transitioned to German (vergeben) to English (forgive) [etymonline.com]. I like considering the root of a word, its original context. Forgiveness has rich Christological underpinnings. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the Christological meaning of forgiveness and the extensive sociocultural influences it has had on constructs of sacrifice, atonement, debt, and pardon…
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
All I could think of when reading your reply was Nietzsche. He approaches most concepts in the way that you’ve suggested we look at forgiveness. Thanks for the reply, thought provoking!
I think it would be helpful to consider the sociocultural influences when trying to understand when we decide to forgive or when it’s usually considered appropriate to forgive. But, is there a common thread that we could point to that would define what it actually means to forgive someone? I’m thinking it means freely choosing to stay in a relationship with someone after they’ve wronged you. But, a further look into the Christological underpinnings should be fruitful. Thanks for the suggestion.
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The Cloud Chronicler
June 14, 2012
Confucius said: do not do onto others what you do not want others to do onto you.
Forgive others and you will be forgiven. ^^
Forgive but do not ever forget.
For no matter how far a donkey travels, it will not come back a horse.
~ E
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tofutrekking
June 14, 2012
I think that whether or not you forgive in one or both ways, the relationship will never be as it was before – nor should it be. When we are wronged, we do ourselves a disservice if we “forget” about it and choose not to learn from the experience. In the example of the unfaithful spouse, the hurt and distrust that remains is certainly distructive – but true forgiveness in this context would be for the relationship to change and strengthen as a result, even if it takes extra work to trust again. There are also circumstances in which it would be beneficial to the wronged person to forgive emotionally in order to heal, but it would be wrong or even dangerous to continue in the relationship; say, with a violent partner, or a relative that sexually assulted you as a child. I think touchmackey’s comment regarding the Christological context of forgiveness is also extremely important; we can rationalise forgiveness but even the most simple explanations of WHY we should forgive (including self-healing) are rooted in this ideology.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, tofu.
Each action in a relationship changes the relationship, right? Some actions make it stronger and others make it weaker. So, I agree that it will never be the “same”. I also agree that we would be doing a disservice to forget (to forget any experience seems to mis an opportunity to learn).
But, I’m not sure if I would call it forgiveness if we decided to not to have any sort of relationship after we’ve been wronged. Being ok with what has been done to us might be different than forgiving someone. Maybe not. Either way, thanks for adding to the discussion..
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Steve Capone
June 14, 2012
How about an additional category of forgiveness that focuses on the kinds of actions rather than attitudes in which one engages with regard to the offender. That is, if someone goes to jail to “repay his/her debt to society” and then is released, we (ideally, I guess) don’t hold that person’s crime over his/her head for the rest of his/her life. We permit that person to work, to leave her/his home, etc. That is, we treat the person as being forgiven; and, if we’re successful, then we *have* forgiven them, in a sense. This seems to be a different category of forgiveness, because we need not cognitively or emotionally forgive them in order to demonstrate this other kind of forgiveness.
Great post!
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Thanks, Steve.
When you refer to “we” you seem to be referring to people that have not directly been affected by the prisoners actions. So, I’m not sure if forgiveness in the sense that I had in mind is at play in cases like this. It may be that you’re right and this is another category of forgiveness. I’m thinking that you must have been wronged by the person to be in a position to forgive them.
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schwarzs254
June 14, 2012
Forgiveness is, in my opinion, a test of someone’s moral character. How willing are we to listen to what others have to say? How willing are we to work to repair the relationships that are damaged? And though I find the philosophy and rationality of forgiveness fascinating, I think we need to recognize that all of us have individual approaches to forgiving others. We all are unique and our relationships with others are unique so we cannot expect that any theory might apply to everyone’s situation perfectly. I think that the more ways we can think about forgiveness, the greater the possibility for achieving insight into how we might begin to repair whatever damage was done.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Right on!
I think we do have different approaches for sure, but is there a common thread that we could point to within each conception of forgiveness that underlies each of our approaches? Is there something that we can point to and say (that’s forgiveness)? It seems that allowing the relationship to continue on after you’ve been wronged means that you have at least forgiven them to a degree. If resentment still persists did forgiveness take place? SO many questions… Thanks for the comment, I couldn’t agree more with you’ve said.
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Justin Caouette
June 14, 2012
Thanks for all the feedback and comments. Some excellent responses and concerns! I’ll try to add what I can.
A common sentiment in the comments thus far seems to be the longing for a clear definition of forgiveness. To be honest, I’m not sure if I can give one that all will find convincing, but, I’ll try and give an account of what I think is meant when most people use the term.
So, I’ll attempt to offer at least some facts about forgiveness that might help us get closer to a consensus regarding what it means to forgive someone. (I’m not convinced that forgiveness has one and only one concrete definition, but, hopefully this attempt at discussing it can help us to better answer some of the questions I initially posed.)
Setting the stage for forgiveness:
(1) – One person in the relationship has been wronged or feels as though they’ve been wronged.
(2) – For one to be (FULLY) forgiven the relationship must be repaired (at least to some degree). If no repair to the relationship has occurred then I’d argue that forgiveness has not occurred. A repair is needed because of (1). But, by saying “fully forgiven” suggests that forgiveness comes in degrees and isn’t a black and white concept.
Relationships that have been negatively affected by one person’s actions sometimes require forgiveness for the relationship to continue. This leads me to think that forgiveness, at a minimum, means that the party that was negatively affected agrees to continue having a relationship with the party that wronged them. By agreeing to continue on in the relationship means that forgiveness has occurred (at least to a degree).
So what is forgiveness?
Generically, it seems to mean (A) – agreeing to continue on in a relationship with a person after they have wronged you.
Full forgiveness (C) could be looked at like this: (A) + a lack of reluctance to alter the relationship as it stood prior to the action by the party that wronged you.
We can call (A) “minimum forgiveness” and (C) “full forgiveness”. Most cases will fall somewhere between the two depending on the action and the depth of the relationship.
There is obviously much more to say as this is an interesting concept to try and unpack.
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narhvalur
June 18, 2012
Congrats! Read here: http://havehest.wordpress.com/2012/06/16/wow-blog-award-nomination-time-again-this-time-got-one-lovely-blog-award-by-spencer-angel-canada/
All the best,
Ann
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Justin Caouette
June 18, 2012
Thanks!
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Harry
June 19, 2012
Interesting post!
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Justin Caouette
June 24, 2012
Thanks.
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soulsrapture
June 20, 2012
Thought I will leave this link here (this has helped me tremendously with the forgiveness-issue. If one could really grasp the significance of yourself as a spirit being there is truly nothing to forgive) 🙂 This is however a more universal, spiritual take on this than religious or even academical:
http://spiritlibrary.com/neale-donald-walsch/%E2%80%9Chow-can-i-forgive-if-i%E2%80%99ve-been-hurt%E2%80%A6%E2%80%9D
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Justin Caouette
June 20, 2012
Thanks for sharing.
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Justin Caouette
June 24, 2012
Nice, thanks for sharing.
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soulsrapture
June 25, 2012
This seems to work for me, taking the lesson out of the situation (although not always clear at the moment 🙂 ) and of cause some lessons are harder than others. Then there is truly nothing to forgive…when I look back today at many situations where I needed to forgive I understand this very simple concept… but not easily understood by the lesser Self (ego).
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samkhan13
June 21, 2012
i had come about the notion of forgiveness during my days spent in researching trust and trust in automation. have you ever tried forgiving a computer? lol
my view is that forgiveness is yet another term that has cultural and linguistic underpinnings. it is defined once a person’s sense of wrong doing and failure to meet expectations is sufficiently regularized.
forgiveness is also bundled with a notion of vectorization. there is a person that is to be forgiven and actions that symbolize forgiveness are ultimately directed from the person that is being forgiving.
the one being forgiving seems to have an “authority” to forgive. a gesture of forgiveness can be initiated by this person even if the one being forgiven is completely oblivious. somehow, a person feels that they have been wronged, dismisses that feeling and provides a notice to the person who has wronged them of this dismissal. all this can happen while the other person has been completely unaware of any wrong doing by anyone or even the existence of this person who is extending forgiveness.
the other vector is when the exchange of these symbols or gestures is initiated by the person seeking forgiveness who is compelled by their convictions, a sense of remorse and a sense of guilt for harming the person they are seeking forgiveness from. the harm can even be in the form of not meeting the expectations of the person whose forgiveness is sought. again, there is a possibility that the one being asked for forgiveness doesn’t share the sentiment that anything wrong was done by anyone.
so in both cases forgiveness can be entirely unilateral rather than bilateral.
there clearly exists a power differential in any scenario concerning forgiveness where the one seeking forgiveness is accepting of their subservient position through obsequious mannerism.
i suspect this is the biggest hurdle for any person while seeking forgiveness, to demote their sense of ego and promote their sense of guilt and at the same time successfully demonstrate this change in common vernacular.
according to me the strongest gesture of subservience is groveling in my culture (asian subcontinent). i think that there is a strategic intent with such largely dramatic gestures that elicit an emotional response from the one who is to forgive and the general public that can influence this person. i think there is typically an intent to create a public sentiment that ascribes cruelty and unfairness to the person who does not forgive a groveling person.
this is where the act of forgiveness is no more an issue between two parties and becomes a public issue. much like the case of those who end up in a court of justice and the society at large has to forgive or condem them. people who have no information about the situation between the person seeking forgiveness and the one that has to forgive can become very heavily involved. i think this is because they feel it is their duty to solve crises around them and a situation that involves the concept of forgiveness must be a crisis. it could also be that these people aren’t mere bystandards and their social environment is indeed disturbed by someone’s qualm to an extent that they decide to intervene. but i really never got the concept of a criminal’s debt to society unless they committed mass murder or stole from the public.
however take for instance those who who have an elevated sense of religiosity and ask forgiveness on behalf of a wrongdoer from a deity. the person the harm is done to isn’t seen as the one who has authority to forgive. there is also a notion in various religious philosophies that all of humanity is born with sin and is in a perpetual state where it must seek forgiveness from a deity. i feel i understand such sentiments and the notion that there is such a thing called “ultimate judgement” which is only carried out by divinity. i harbor a whole bunch of these sentiments myself but i think this type of forgiveness is different than the one we encounter in social domain. i actually have no idea how to research the concept of forgiveness when it comes to notions like “mortal sin” so i am mostly concerned with social and linguistic paradigms of forgiveness.
my recent research interest has been in neuroticism (attitudes and personalities) and i think persons who would rate high on being neurotic would also have a high count of daily incidents that involve constructs like forgiveness. i think i can come up with a simple survey based research methodology to investigate this. i also suspect that there could be neurological reasons for harboring sense of guilt, grudge, hate, “being dirty”, etc.
revisiting the incident that makes the person feel wronged (seeking to forgive) or makes the person feel guilty (seeking forgiveness) triggers the release of chemicals like seratonin and dopamine in the brain that are typically addictive. these neurological processes in the midbrain and cerebellum override rational decision making that mostly occurs in the prefrontal and frontal cortex. therefore the act of forgiving or seeking forgiveness might be less deliberate than previously thought.
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Justin Caouette
June 24, 2012
“i think i can come up with a simple survey based research methodology to investigate this”. Hmmmm. THis is interesting to me, I’d like to hear more about the questions you’d be thinking about with regards to this. I would like to do something similar for an X-Phi project, maybe we could work together?
“therefore the act of forgiving or seeking forgiveness might be less deliberate than previously thought.” Again, this is interesting. Are you suggesting that we are not in control of forgiving someone? I think that some people hold grudges for far too long but if it’s not in their control if and when they let go of said grudge then it seems that I may not be justified in holding such a feeling toward them. I’m tempted to argue that we do in fact have control over certain aspects of the forgiveness process, though other, more sever cases of being wronged such as being cheated on by a spouse or being robbed by a friend/family member seem much more difficult to control. So, maybe ultimate forgiveness is not in our control? Ahhh, such a good topic!
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narhvalur
June 29, 2012
Reblogged this on Ann Novek–With the Sky as the Ceiling and the Heart Outdoors.
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wendyjean56
June 30, 2012
I believe forgiveness can be practiced. I have found that my ability to forgive (both cognitively and emotionally, and truly forget) has evolved as I age. If my heart is focused on love, especially unconditional love (which is rare), I am able to teach myself to forgive.
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samkhan13
July 3, 2012
something about blame i just found.
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20120628-playing-the-brains-blame-game/1
also about the email you had sent: it is true that philosophies have become driven by empirical studies. there seems to be an underlying philosophy of utilitarianism that many prioritize. the priority stating that any new philosophy should have an application; it should drive a framework that should produce testable methodologies and techniques which in turn should produce tangible (pecuniary) benefits.
i’m still thinking about how to test out my notions using an empirical study but i’m quite certain that thought experiments are here to stay because they are the most economical way of testing out a model or a worldview.
i personally think that forgiveness and blame have quite a bit to do with mental simulation and mental stimulation. if someone needs to figure out “how or why to forgive” they are clearly going through various scenarios in their mind about the consequences of forgiving or not forgiving. and if all this simulation leads to mental fatigue or lack of mental stimulation one is likely to forget about the scenarios and “move on”. it might be an inbuilt mechanism by which we wear out our minds to the point that we end up forgiving.
however persons with high levels of neuroticism might relish going through those scenarios in their mind and feel the pain over and over again. one might even relish the idea of having the power to blame and thereby having the power to be the forgiver. holding grudges and being angry can also be a way of coping with sorrow. sorrow is directed inwards and can be hard to articulate to be able to come with it. while anger can be directed outwards and can be articulated very well in the language of violence which can bring general satisfaction. (a 59 min long example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuYgiXg-h8o)
i think it might be worth while to look at the research on blame and forgiveness in psychology, clinical psychology and sociology. and of course now we should also be able to look at the findings in developmental psychology and neurology for possible biological bases of forgiveness and of attributing blame.
forgiveness under the concept of religion is different. the eschatology in various religions talks about how there is going to be a final day of judgement, how there will be a reckoning when everything will perish and so and so forth. it seems like God is blaming humans for being jackasses and i don’t suppose the study of whether God will or will not forgive a human is within the realm of empirical studies.
“God, I was just doing all that stuff for the sake of research! Don’t punish me for it! And now could You please just give me a few googolplex more lives to finish the rest of the research because I decided to orthogonalize a few thousand variables in that experiment so that I could ‘scientifically’ figure out which set of parameters were best to earn Your grace.”
😛
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Justin Caouette
July 12, 2012
Yes, yes, and yes. I’ll be in touch soon.
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jason
July 8, 2012
To forgive is to forget, both cognitively and emotionally. The forgiver must wipe the slate clean on the one forgiven. This can be accomplished if the one being forgiven shows remorse for the wrong, and try’s in some way to compensate for the wrong, ie. repentance, being some proof of acknowledging the transgression towards the one wronged. If the one that is supposed to forgive looks upon the one being forgiven after supposedly being forgiven and is reminded of the past then forgiveness has not taken place, which means trust is destroyed and the relationship can never go back to the way it was. By forget I mean that realistically this cannot be accomplished, we always will have the capacity to remember, but to remember constantly in the presence of the forgiven is not forgiveness, only remembering if something is repeated and in most cases this will become harder and harder on repeat offenses.
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Justin Caouette
July 10, 2012
Thanks for responding, Jay. Hopefully you’ll be able to chime in more often when I post on free will and moral responsibility.
A few things; first, it seems that you’re denying that forgiveness actually exists if I understand you correctly. You say; “By forget I mean that realistically this cannot be accomplished”, so, in a strict sense, we won’t be able to meet your criteria for forgiving, ever. That seems counter-intuitive. I definitely have forgiven in my life, and, at times, I’ve forgiven people who never apologized or showed signs of repent. This can occur with someone who has deceased as well, though those sorts of cases are a bit trickier.
Second, I like where you are going with repeat offenders. I agree that when we’ve been wronged more than once is becomes more difficult to forgive, but if we agreed to continue on with the relationship that seems to point toward some sort of forgiveness when comparing that reaction to ending the relationship altogether. If that’s right then maybe forgiveness is a concept that comes in degrees, but, then, is it still a concept that has the cognitive and emotional element as well?
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Tinniam V Ganesh
August 2, 2012
Justin – In my opinion no amount of reasoning and rationalizing an act will ever lead to complete forgiveness. The emotional hurt will remain and will continue to nag. It is extremely difficult to forgive unless we really transcend our own pettiness and intuit our the hurt.
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Justin Caouette
August 6, 2012
Tinniam, thanks for reading and thanks for the reply.
So, you’re a skeptic with regards to “complete forgiveness”, huh?
I agree that in sever cases it can be hard, but, I think it happens. For instance, I’ve heard stories about families of murder victims wholeheartedly forgiving the perpetrators of the crime, even sitting down to eat with them.
In lesser cases I think it happens often, if it didn’t we wouldn’t be able to sustain long-term relationships.
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seapunk2
August 10, 2012
I’m just an ordinary woman. I’d like to address your #5. To fully forgive someone is a strange thought, as if there are levels of forgiveness, like stairs on a staircase, or percentages on a scale. I want to say in jest – well maybe I’ll forgive a person part way, or maybe forgive them just a little… Puzzling and impossible.
I know nothing about forgiveness and don’t think I’ve ever forgiven anyone for any wrong. I’ve had a lifetime of wrongs done to me, I suppose. At the time of being wronged, I didn’t think about being wronged. I felt it. If I’ve emotionally or cognitively forgiven them, I’ve done it without my conscious thoughts or decision. How can I forgive someone for something I feel? The feeling has nothing to do with them, and only to do with my reaction to them, or the wrong.
Time passes and a relationship continues as it will, without adding any type of forgiveness, or it drifts away. If it drifts away, does this mean we haven’t forgiven or haven’t been forgiven? I don’t think so.
When I experience a wrong done to me, and I don’t like to think of things people have done, as being “done” to me, I don’t think about whether I’m going to forgive the wrong-doer or not. I may be sad, uncomfortable and distant from then on. Forgive? Maybe forgiveness isn’t something I experience. The wrong is nothing more than a vacant, thoughtless, hurtful, violent or any other negative ‘thing’ that the giver of the wrong, has within him or her self. The wrong is not about me, so what’s to forgive?
The comments to your post are thoughtful and intelligent. I am thoughtful and intelligent. With that, am I able to forgive? I don’t know. What am I forgiving? Who am I to forgive?
I never forget, and that seems to be a curse. Do I keep bitterness or anger for the wrongs done to me? No, I don’t. I hurt, though, if I think about it.
Perhaps I forgive. If I do, it just happens.
These are my thoughts.
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contructiveconservative
February 25, 2013
I do enjoy your articles as I would imagine does anyone who shares your interests.
In this case…
(1) Can you forgive in one sense and not the other? Or, are these two forms of forgiveness necessarily linked in a way that doesn’t allow us to forgive in one sense but not the other?
My response would be that one needs to first understand (cognitive forgiveness) why the event happened prior to moving on to the second. This may be due to the way I think, logically rather than emotionally, and thus it occurs to me that those who generally react emotionally might have a different answer. A possible counter argument is that those who don’t use logic may be unable to truly forgive as they are unable to start the process by forgiving cognitively…..I’m thinking about one of my children doing something that requires forgiveness and whether the emotional forgiveness would come first, but even if that were to be my original reaction it would almost certainly still rest on my knowledge of who he is and thus an understanding of why he may have taken the action which required forgiveness on my part.
(2) Are we in control of forgiving someone?
Not completely. Certainly we can see the reason that we should, and even attempt to force ourselves to do so, but in certain circumstances simply wishing to forgive someone is not enough. Time, however, can make a difference.
(3) Is one form of forgiving more important to the other?
Yes, in the sense that emotional forgiveness is true forgiveness and thus it is more meaningful from an internal perspective. In terms of one’s relationship with the other person, obviously the more important act is to let him/her know he/she is forgiven.
(4)Can a relationship between lovers, friends, or colleagues continue in the same way if forgiveness has not been attained?
100%? No.
(5) What does it mean to fully forgive someone? Does it mean that the relationship goes back to the way things were? And, if so, do any of us really forgive anyone?
To “fully” forgive, almost by definition, requires complete absolution and no ill effects from the transgression………………(goes back to the way things were)
Yes, but not often. An example, for me, would be a decision made by my father when I was younger with which I disagreed.
As a result of being older and wiser one can make allowances and forgive based on:
1. Experience as a father, a better grasp of the situation, to name two that come to mind.
2. A better understanding of who he was and thus forgiveness based on a better understanding of what he was and was not capable of.
In other words, cognitive…followed by emotional.
btw….there is another requirement which I often see as being ignored in discussions such as this, generally with a greater focus on the “Christian” model of forgiveness based on the teachings of Jesus…(Another unfinished article which will likely not see the light of day)
Christians often forget the qualifications which Jesus stated.
“Go, and SIN NO MORE”.
In other words, for us mortals, forgiveness often depends on it being the first time and the understanding that true remorse also indicates that the behavior will not be repeated.
Secondly, as Jesus stated:
Forgive them, they KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.
In other words, a mistake made by accident or in ignorance is a very different thing than one that is made with malice and forethought (thus not an accident) or having a full knowledge and understanding of the “sinfullness” of the action.
Thanks.
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Rob
November 26, 2015
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
I know this is an old thread but I wanted to bring up this aspect of the Christian view on forgiveness. Furthermore, Jesus said to love one’so enemies, is that not forgiveness during the transgression? Does forgiveness have to be an act or can it be an outlook of unconditional love to others? How does kenosis and pouring out of one self play into this idea?
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Jenni Cattran
June 22, 2013
Justin, as I read through the long list of responses to this fascinating question, I noticed that hardly any of them focused on the transgression and the offending party, while many did focus on the offended. It seems to me that you can’t examine forgiveness without also examining the nature of these others. Philosophy, as a discipline, typically asks more questions than it answers, so I have some to add. Are some transgressions unforgivable? Are some offenders unforgivable? Should the offender’s life story be taken into account? If a boy is sexually abused as a child, and then becomes a child molester, who is the victim and who is the offender? This does seem to be the typical pattern we see when it comes to crime and cycles of violence, but what role does our society play in perpetuating these cycles? Shouldn’t these relationships also be investigated as part of this discussion? Shouldn’t any investigation into this subject go beyond the micro perspective of family dynamics and look at forgiveness on a large scale? Do we hurt ourselves more when we choose not to forgive? On a small scale, how does it strengthen our relationships when we overcome obstacles that require forgiveness?
If anyone is interested, I would like you to check out Eva Kor’s story. It is on You Tube under “Forgiving Dr. Mengele”. Eva is a forgiveness advocate and Auschwitz survivor. She and her twin were experimented on by Dr. Mengele, so the offense is one that could fit into an “unforgivable” type of category. This woman has a special authority to educate us about this particular subject, and I trust that everyone will benefit from hearing her story.
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Justin Caouette
June 23, 2013
Great questions and all are central to understanding forgiveness! Thanks.
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